"Dirty Magazine" Original Air Date 1/11/04
Chapter 509

I write for the Crystal Ship – our high school literary magazine that no one reads. This month I’m the editor (mostly to pad my college resume). The problem is that anyone who submits material, we have to accept. So everything is total crap – until finally, this female student submitted a brilliant story! I was actually excited about putting it in the magazine. One might say it inspired me a little, especially because it ended so well.

We caught a snag though. The story had some bad words in it and the Principal threatened to cut it if I didn’t take the words out. So we did what any upstanding citizen would do. I called the ACLU and they immediately sued the school for censorship.

Now, this all seems like good news right? I mean, don’t we know how this story ends?! The Principal then got on a megaphone in front of the whole school and told everyone that because of the suit, all extra-curricular activities in school would be cancelled. He then told everyone it was all MY FAULT! I’m telling you, my family is cursed. Stay away from us. In fact – stop reading this journal, it might be contagious!

So the Principal called me in and had his lawyer give me a document to sign that negates the essay and says I just wanted to see how much I could get away with. I wasn’t going to sign it though, but then Ronnie – the writer of the essay, said she wanted field hockey back so I decided to go ahead. Besides, I had better plans for it.

You see, I don’t back down to authority. That’s simply not me – as you well know. So I decided to print the letter on the back of my own independent magazine that I printed 700 copies of and distributed 20 feet off of school grounds. Of course, Ronnie’s full story was there. And the Principal was pissed. Two birds with one stone and a very, very good ending.