"Malcolm holds his tongue" Original Air Date 01/05/03
Chapter 410

I finally found something I’m good at that normal people can actually appreciate: basketball. That’s right, can you believe it? I actually have a modicum of athletic ability?

Well, when trying out for the JV team, as usual, I opened my mouth before thinking and the coach kicked me out. Okay, first of all, the coach is a moron whose entire playbook consists of two pick-and-rolls and the Globetrotter weave. Second of all, well, there’s no second, I should have kept my mouth shut.

It wasn’t really until Stevie made me realize that I always speak before I think. So I decided on a new strategy. I would take a few extra seconds and think about my responses.

You know, it works pretty well. Mom started going easier on me, Dad started giving me money and the coach actually let me back on the team! Who knew not being a smart-ass would have such positive ramifications? I think the only drawback may be my head exploding from keeping things backed up, but so far so good…

I think it all came to head when we actually had a basketball game. We were losing to the worst team in the league and because the coach is a total idiot, there was no getting back in the game. I couldn’t take it anymore. He was giving this moronic speech about heart and all I wanted to do was tell him he’s not qualified to even coach 3rd grade girls, when suddenly I started bleeding from my mouth.

Well, evidently holding everything inside isn’t the best thing to do. I developed a peptic ulcer and had to go to the hospital. Hey, at least my head didn’t explode, right?