"Zoo" Original Air Date 11/03/02
Chapter 401

So my summer basically sucked. Yeah, I know that’s a bad intro to this long awaited journal entry, but that pretty much sums it up. I hate everything. I hate everyone. All I did this summer was stay in bed. Sure, mom says it’s a “phase” that teenagers go through, but I’m smarter than all other teenagers so that can’t be right.

So mom, in her veiled attempt to bring the family closer together made us all go to the zoo. That’s right, the zoo. I really couldn’t wait to watch pathetic caged animals and the suburban morons laughing at them. Yeah, maybe the zoo was fun when I was seven.

I mean, is it too much to ask to just be happy being miserable? No one understands what it’s like being an insignificant spec of dust in a universe filled with inevitable tragedy. Do you understand?

I guess Dewey tried putting things into perspective with his usual dull brand of simplemindedness. Obviously that did nothing for me. But I suppose when he fell into the tiger pit and I went after him, I started seeing things a little more clearly.

Well, it only took like 20 minutes for the stupid zoo Rangers to find us. Not like they can do anything. Why is everyone so WORTHLESS?! Anyway, their grand idea was to tranquilize the tigers. Now let me explain why this is the worst idea of the year. The tranquilizer takes about two minutes to go into effect, basically giving the tigers just enough time to get really angry and eat us. See? WORTHLESS!

I will say this however; being in that pit helped me realize something. I actually love my family. I love my life. I love everything. Weird turn huh? It’s funny how knowing you’re about to die really brings the brighter side of life into focus.

As you’ve probably figured out by me writing this journal, we didn’t die. Seems that Reese got in a fight with a goat and threw the thing into the tiger pit. Tigers apparently like goat more than kid. Good thing for us.

Almost dying really put things into perspective for me. Although when you think about it, why is it that I always have to learn my lessons the hard way? Is there some supernatural cosmic curse on my head? What did I ever do?

That’s it, I’m going back to bed.