"Hal Coaches" Original Air Date 3/10/02
Chapter 319

So our neighbor Ed made a deal with our Dad for his old computer. Basically, Reese and I were leased out for hard labor and we get the computer in return. It wasn't so bad, I just had to install his new computer while Reese was forced into yard work.

Some people just never learn. A quick tip: if you ever give your old computer to someone, just deleting your files doesn't actually get rid of them. Ed, of course, made this mistake and we were able to access each and every one of his emails. It was totally scandalous stuff too. I know, I know. We're talking about Ed. Fat, old, bald Ed. But he's been sleeping with every single, old, lonely woman on the block. Can you believe that?

The best thing I found on the computer though was this totally cool family simulation game. Basically, I was able to recreate my own family in whatever way I chose and watch as they grow into the miserably, despicable people I take them for while I enjoy a meteoric rise to fame and fortune.

Stupid simulator! Yeah, I know I become obsessed every once in awhile, but this thing was driving me crazy. I mean, it made Simulated Reese the King of China. Simulated Mom became a Supreme Court Justice and Simulated Dad became a millionaire. Simulated Malcolm? He started out so well. He had the looks, the brains, the social skills. What happens? He becomes a fat, lazy, overbearing alcoholic who winds up killing himself. Is this what's going to happen to me!? AM I GOING CRAZY?!

Okay, okay. I'm calm now. I solved the problem. Although I'm afraid the computer is no longer with us…There was, well, let's just say there was an accident…