"Girlfriend" Original Air Date 11/28/01
Chapter 305

Sarah Coleman. Sarah Coleman. Sarah Coleman. Even the sound of her name makes me feel…okay I'll get to the good stuff. I finally got a girlfriend. I mean, I had a girlfriend. I was totally in love with this girl. I mean, she was smart, cool, good looking. I thought she'd never go out with me because that would clearly make me happy, and god forbid I ever have that! But she did, she actually went out with me, I had a girlfriend!

What is it about having a girlfriend that makes you so paranoid about everything? Suddenly your mind races with a ton of questions. Am I a good kisser? Where were you at 4:53 PM? How come you called tonight but not last night? I know it's crazy…now. But I just couldn't help it. Mom freaked out because she said my grades would drop and I'd be eating out of a dumpster in 2 years. Well they did drop a little. But I had a girlfriend!

I guess I obsessed a little bit too much. I mean we'd fight all the time, but making up was always so awesome. I couldn't think about anything but her. Now I know how Reese feels when his mind turns completely off. I couldn't function, this girl drove me crazy and she didn't even do anything. I think the turning point officially came when I saw her talking to some other guy. I figured I could handle it. Take the mature approach. So what did I do? I jumped him! I almost got kicked out of school.

I finally told Sarah I couldn't take it anymore. I was being driven insane and it was more then I could handle. So I decided to get her a pager so I could keep track of her at all times. Then she broke up with me. I guess looking back I should've seen that coming, but at the time I lost it…in front of the whole school. I collapsed on the pavement and couldn't even move.

So that was my first girlfriend. I guess I learned a lot. But it wasn't until I totally ruined Dewey's new friend's birthday party that I finally snapped out of it and returned to normal. Nothing like blowing up a moon-bounce to bring you down to earth.