Everybody Dies

Patient: "I was in a car accident last month."
House: "I won a swimming trophy in high school. Your turn."

Adams: "You took a new case?"

Park: "You ran tests yourself?"

House: "I saw the chance to help someone in need and I instinctively . . . oh no, wait, that was someone else's instincts."

Foreman: "You're asking me to perjure myself."
House: "It's a tiny white lie. No offense. Especially since from what I hear nothing black is tiny. Except your penis, I guess."

Amber: "Stop being an idiot."
House: "Can I have Kutner back please?"
Amber: "How much pathetic wallowing do I have to sit through?"
House: "How are things in hell? Is the humidity the big issue?"

"You should have gotten suspicious when his visiting cousin signed in as Mr. Tar H. Horse."

Foreman: "You set me up."
House: "Not really. You were going to basically perjure yourself so that I could delay jail time. Doesn't it make more sense to actually perjure yourself so that I can actually avoid jail time?"

"Every patient I've had, 70 years from now they'll all be as dead as Wilson. Everybody dies. It's meaningless."

House: "So that's the great wisdom you're imparting? That I'll always be alone?"

Wilson: "There's only one person you can count on."
House: "I thought there were two."

"Is this hell? An eternity of people trying to convince me to live?"

Cameron: "You're afraid of this decision, and you're trying to argue until fate takes it out of your hands. You're taking the cowardly way out. And worse: you're too cowardly to even admit you're taking the cowardly way out."
House: "You're right. But I can change."

"I'm dead, Wilson. How do you wanna spend the next five months?"

"Cancer is boring."

Holding On

Wilson: "So now my hair's going to fall out next week?"
House: "No, all I did was temporarily kill you. How was it?"

"I didn't do it. Whatever 'it' is. But if I had shoved those season tickets down some toilets, I wold have done it because you asked me to. You wanted to replace Wilson. I prank Wilson all the time. Enjoy."

House: "I need you, OK? I want you to be around as long as possible. Because I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
Wilson: "No! Don't do that. I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me."

House: "You don't have to just accept it."
Wilson: "Yes! I do have to accept it. I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this alone! I'm pissed because I'm dying, and it's not fair. And I need a friend. I need to know that you're there. I need you to tell me that my life was worthwhile. And I need you to tell me that you love me."
House: "I won't tell you that unless you fight."

Adams: "You think actually showing up for work is enough to make up for ruining an MRI, endangering the patient, injuring us?"
House: "I've got an airtight alibi . . . that I'm working on."

Taub: "You can't just give up on Wilson. You know he needs you. You know he's making an impossible choice. He just doesn't want to live in pain."
House: "Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! You know how many times I wanted to just give up? How many times I thought about ending it?"

Wilson: "Are you really OK that there's only five months left?"
House: "No, but it's better than nothing."
Wilson: "Um, how do we start?"
House: "Well, I'm not going to say I love you."
Wilson: "Thank God. Got any Oreos?"

Post Mortem

Wilson: "I just paid $75,000 for a ridiculously impractical car, the depth of shallowness, and tomorrow I'm driving it to Cleveland to meet my boyhood crush."
House: "The years have not been kind to David Cassidy."

Wilson: "Thought we'd make it a road trip: '80s music, junk food, beer."

House: "I have a dental appointment . . . that I'm going to make now."

Wilson: "I want a threesome."
House: "Shouldn't we try a twosome first?"

"My friend is dying of cancer. He's pretty much resigned. He just wants to go out with a bang. And another pun. What time do you get off?"

House: "It's been fun."
Chase: "Fun?"
House: "Sounded pithier than, 'We've shared a variety of situations.'"

Everybody Dies

Patient: "I was in a car accident last month."
House: "I won a swimming trophy in high school. Your turn."

Adams: "You took a new case?"

Park: "You ran tests yourself?"

House: "I saw the chance to help someone in need and I instinctively . . . oh no, wait, that was someone else's instincts."

Foreman: "You're asking me to perjure myself."
House: "It's a tiny white lie. No offense. Especially since from what I hear nothing black is tiny. Except your penis, I guess."

Amber: "Stop being an idiot."
House: "Can I have Kutner back please?"
Amber: "How much pathetic wallowing do I have to sit through?"
House: "How are things in hell? Is the humidity the big issue?"

"You should have gotten suspicious when his visiting cousin signed in as Mr. Tar H. Horse."

Foreman: "You set me up."
House: "Not really. You were going to basically perjure yourself so that I could delay jail time. Doesn't it make more sense to actually perjure yourself so that I can actually avoid jail time?"

"Every patient I've had, 70 years from now they'll all be as dead as Wilson. Everybody dies. It's meaningless."

House: "So that's the great wisdom you're imparting? That I'll always be alone?"

Wilson: "There's only one person you can count on."
House: "I thought there were two."

"Is this hell? An eternity of people trying to convince me to live?"

Cameron: "You're afraid of this decision, and you're trying to argue until fate takes it out of your hands. You're taking the cowardly way out. And worse: you're too cowardly to even admit you're taking the cowardly way out."
House: "You're right. But I can change."

"I'm dead, Wilson. How do you wanna spend the next five months?"

"Cancer is boring."

Holding On

Wilson: "So now my hair's going to fall out next week?"
House: "No, all I did was temporarily kill you. How was it?"

"I didn't do it. Whatever 'it' is. But if I had shoved those season tickets down some toilets, I wold have done it because you asked me to. You wanted to replace Wilson. I prank Wilson all the time. Enjoy."

House: "I need you, OK? I want you to be around as long as possible. Because I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
Wilson: "No! Don't do that. I don't owe you anything. Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me."

House: "You don't have to just accept it."
Wilson: "Yes! I do have to accept it. I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this alone! I'm pissed because I'm dying, and it's not fair. And I need a friend. I need to know that you're there. I need you to tell me that my life was worthwhile. And I need you to tell me that you love me."
House: "I won't tell you that unless you fight."

Adams: "You think actually showing up for work is enough to make up for ruining an MRI, endangering the patient, injuring us?"
House: "I've got an airtight alibi . . . that I'm working on."

Taub: "You can't just give up on Wilson. You know he needs you. You know he's making an impossible choice. He just doesn't want to live in pain."
House: "Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I'm in pain! I go to work in pain! You know how many times I wanted to just give up? How many times I thought about ending it?"

Wilson: "Are you really OK that there's only five months left?"
House: "No, but it's better than nothing."
Wilson: "Um, how do we start?"
House: "Well, I'm not going to say I love you."
Wilson: "Thank God. Got any Oreos?"

Post Mortem

Wilson: "I just paid $75,000 for a ridiculously impractical car, the depth of shallowness, and tomorrow I'm driving it to Cleveland to meet my boyhood crush."
House: "The years have not been kind to David Cassidy."

Wilson: "Thought we'd make it a road trip: '80s music, junk food, beer."

House: "I have a dental appointment . . . that I'm going to make now."

Wilson: "I want a threesome."
House: "Shouldn't we try a twosome first?"

"My friend is dying of cancer. He's pretty much resigned. He just wants to go out with a bang. And another pun. What time do you get off?"

House: "It's been fun."
Chase: "Fun?"
House: "Sounded pithier than, 'We've shared a variety of situations.'"

The C-Word

"Is that our precious little bundle of tumor? They grow up so fast, don't they?"

"How many times have I told you I wanted to be alone, and you've made yourself a pain in the ass? I owe you."

Wilson: "Go away. I have a headache."
House: "We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk."

Wilson: "If things go wrong, I just want you to know-"

House: "If you're going to say that you've always been secretly gay for me, everyone always just kind of assumed it."

Wilson: "If I die, it probably won't go over well with your probation officer."
House: "It's not going to be an issue."
Wilson: "Well, I'm glad at least one of us is confident."

House: "Not me. I've already identified a couple of spots to dump your body if this goes south."

Wilson: "I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass, who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life."

House: "You'd still have cancer."

Wilson: "Yeah, but at least I'd feel like I deserved it!"

Wilson: "So, the way I felt, you feel that - what, most of the time? Really does suck being you, doesn't it?"

House: "At least I don't have cancer."

Body and Soul

Foreman: "I've been paging you for over two hours."
House: "Must've been in the shower. And then I had to moisturize. Actually, I had to moisturize twice, because Dominika made Oysters Rockefeller last night."

"Tell the parents to lay off the grades. The world needs fry cooks, too."

"Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me."

Park: "Can I go with Taub? It was my idea."

House: "Right. Because for a moment there, I thought you were uncomfortable around Chase because you had a nocturnal Australian."

Wilson: "Later."
House: "I had sex with Dominika."
Wilson: "In a dream."

House: "It wasn't literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. But you know, teeth, testicles - I think the symbolism is pretty clear."
Wilson: "Later just changed to never."

Dominika: "I borrowed your physics book. I read while in bathroom."
House: "You're a dead-eye shot and enjoy reading quantum physics on the crapper."

Dominika: "I read in bathtub."

House: "Better image. Thank you."
Chase: "The dream doesn't mean anything. Can we start acting like it doesn't mean anything?"
House: "Sure. We can also act like walls don't mean anything. But then we'd hurt our noses."

We Need the Eggs

"Sex? At work? I'm not a savage."

"Sex is a given. They're hookers. To get the gig, a call girl - sorry, 'call woman' - needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for."

"Guy loves an imaginary being who's never going to respond to him. He's no crazier than millions of churchgoers." "Can we stop trying to argue the premise, and move on to figuring out why it is that you're all social morons?"

"I need you. Please don't quit. You're the only hooker I know who can tune a piano."

"Mazel tov. Great relationships often start with snap decisions aimed at proving me wrong."

Taub: "Those dolls are only $5,000. He must have had it customized somehow."

House: "I guess I don't need to ask how your dating life's going."

Emily: "I'm not leaving the business. I'm just leaving you. I didn't want you to feel bad."
House: "So let me get this straight: I'm being dumped by a hooker who's worried about my feelings?"

Gut Check

House: "Twenty-two-year-old enforcer with hemoptysis."
Adams: "He's a hockey player?"
House: "No, he's a superhero."

Wilson: "It's not a big deal. So I'll probably never be a dad. It sucks. I'll lose a little sleep, but . . ."
House: "You're not supposed to feel bad when you dodge a bullet!"

"Raised by a lunatic mother and abandoned by his father. Oh, I know! Squirrel handcuffs. Think he's got any of those?"

"He's a kid. The best you can hope for is he's a nightmare."

"He's not depressed. He's just bummed because he knows he's a talentless moron who's only one lost fight away from being a barista."

Taub: "You were right. I hate bullies."
House: "You work for me."
Taub: "You're not a bully."
House: "Pretty sure I am, Dickwad."

Blowing the Whistle

Foreman: "There will be MPs stationed at every entrance to the second floor, as well as outside his patient room."
House: "No, don't do that. Every time there's people in uniform in the cafeteria they get served first."
Foreman: "Make sure your IDs are clearly visible. I'll speak with the cafeteria staff about showing more disrespect."

"People define honor with whatever makes them feel honorable. It's a circle going nowhere. Which I guess is what circles do."

Wilson: "You're forgetful."
House: "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses."

"What's the opposite of 'Thank you'? I'm pretty sure it ends in 'you.'"

"Treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects, like death."

Foreman: "Until you receive a clean bill of health, I'll be authorizing all treatment orders."
House: "Well, I would say that's an incredibly stupid mistake, but apparently I'd have to clear that opinion through Foreman first."

"The next person to confess is fired! Or Spartacus."

Love is Blind

"My former BFF is SMITBAWS: Stabbing Me In The Back As We Speak."

Wilson: "You're sleeping with her now?"
House: "Just in case and INS guy comes in through the window. Yeah, she didn't buy it, either."

Park: "She's got to be pissed off and have low self-esteem. Why else would she give him a free pass to pork other women?"
House: "Because he's handicapped. Women feel sorry for you. This cane is tail-bait."

Wilson: "You want to know what I think?"
House: "I think you know the answer to that question."

"How do you know about handling a bad acid trip? Friends in your garden club been experimenting again?"

"People lie. Birthmarks don't."

Man of the House

"It pains me to interrupt the collegial banter. It pains me even more to listen to it continue."

"Evolution does not work that way. You can't talk legs onto a fish. If we're going to go extinct, we're going to do it drinking Scotch and driving muscle cars."

"Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine."

House: "I need my apartment key back."
Wilson: "If you're breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?"
House: "Maybe if you weren't all nag and no shag."

Wilson: "Dominika gets a Green Card. What's in this for you?"
House: "This is what men do for the women that they pretend to love."

"I'm guessing that your testosterone level is just below Bieber."

"It's no wonder that you think women are so great. You've basically been one for these past three years."

"Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon."

Chase

"If she likes crippled guys, I'm free for the next six minutes."

"You were being cagey about where you were going. And Chase being cagey in general, good chance I'd find the two of you in the same cage."

House: "You got stabbed. You blame me. But what did you learn about me that you hadn't known for years?"
Chase: "Maybe I was an idiot before, and I'm not one now."
House: "Maybe the reverse is true."

"Cut yourself shaving? You know that can happen when the nun you woke up with coughs blood on you."

"Quite a journey. Starts with a surgical tool in your heart and ends with a surgeon's tool in a nun."

"Oh my God. Taub is interrogating the janitor. He must think that I hired him to attack - actually, why didn't I do that?"

"Hope you practiced immaculate contraception."

Chase: "You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you."
House: "If I wanted you to be like me, I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you've made mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed."

Nobody's Fault

"Put out an APB for a car with a man-shaped dent in the grill?"

"My process is proven. Good things usually happen. Bad things sometimes happen."

Dr. Cofield: "What are you doing?"
House: "Taking my Vicamins."

Dr. Cofield: "Are those Vicodin? Did you have surgery recently?"
House: "About a decade ago. My leg is no good at judging time."

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, team gym. Those who can't move their arms or legs, teach us to laugh at others."

"If you want an accurate patient history, don't ever talk to the patient. Everybody lies . . . Except me. To you. Would never do that."

House: "If you're motivated by caring, bear in mind he's a dedicated chemistry teacher, with a pretty wife, and adoring students, baby on the way."
Adams: "She's not pregnant."
House: "Would it make a difference? Because I could knock her up."

Runaways

House: "How long has your daughter been sick?"
Fake Dad: "About a week now."
House: "The best dads wait two or more."

Callie / Jane Doe: "I checked online. It's asthma or something."
House: "'Or Something' is the number one killer of teens with no medical degree."

"Are you not going to introduce us because we're married? Oh no, wait - that's her."

Civil War Reenactor: "Sir, are you questioning my resolve?"
House: "Yes. And your sanity. I'm multitasking."

Foreman: "You should have told me you were treating an underage clinic patient."
House: "I was giving you the gift of deniability."

"She hates you. It's actually not such a big deal. There's plenty of kids who hate their parents. What makes it a big deal is that she should hate you."

"I don't care if the people who work for me are screwed up. In fact, I even encourage it. But absolution - you do that on your own time."

Foreman: "I'm not like you, House."
House: "True. No limp."

Better Half

"With great power comes great micromanaging."

Wilson: "Did you know that close to one percent of the population identifies as asexual?"
House: "We have really got to get you laid. If I have to plow that furrow myself, so be it."
Wilson: "I have a patient who's asexual."
House: "Is she a giant pool of algae?"
Wilson: "It's a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least."
House: "Yeah, I think I read that, too. Is that Fugliness Weekly?"
Wilson: "She's perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years."
House: "To a guy who loves penis enough for both of them."

Foreman: "There's no need to put him under. We can confirm fatty liver with an ultrasound. Just making an observation."
House: "Well done. Now, as a member of my team, you can make the equally useful observations that the sky is blue, I'm wearing pants . . . and I'm ignoring your first observation."

Foreman: "You're trying to screw with my confidence."
House: "If I wanted to do that, I'd tell you how much the nurses hate you."

"If marriage is feeding and cleaning someone, limiting conversation to repeating a few simple commands, then I was married to my pet rat, and a lot of people owe me wedding gifts."

"Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want it are either sick, dead, or lying."

"Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all."

Wilson: "We can't smoke in here."
House: "We also can't summon people to the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It's an imperfect world."

Perils of Paranoia

"It's an anxiety attack, probably because he just turned forty and still goes by the name 'Tommy.'"

Foreman: "The ER docs interviewed his wife. She confirmed he's been feeling fine. Nothing out of the ordinary at work or at home."
House: "She probably also believes that he thinks Selma Hayek's breasts are too big."

"Dangerous people don't break into your home. They live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it."

"There's only one way to settle this. Actually, there's two, but we don't have enough JELL-O for the first."

"Ability isn't always enough. Just ask Yngwie Malmsteen."

Wilson: "Well, you don't have a gun. But you do have my sunglasses, my tennis racket - I can't imagine why . . ."
House: "Had to kill a mouse. It was really hard with those stupid little sunglasses."

Dead and Buried

House: "A four-year-old boy, consistently at death's door."
Adams: "This patient died five years ago."
House: "I didn't say which side of the door he was on."

"Death is a consequence of a symptom. If it's not a symptom, it's not relevant."

Wilson: "You have a dead patient?"
House: "Bigotry is born when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color . . . pulse."

"Damn! Sorry, just realized I'm late for my anger management class,"

"So, you're taking bribes to plunder graves, and I need to show respect?"

Emory: "Aren't there actual medical tests?"
House: "Dead patients usually get a lower standard of care."

"Boys, do a home search. Girls, do lab tests. Pretty sure that's not sexist."

"The good news is it made me realize that you were right. I can't drop it. But now that I accept that, I feel much less conflicted."

Parents

"I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on, not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you'd have been scattered in various dumpsters years ago."

"Who's better qualified to be the daddy? The guy who spilled a little DNA in her gene pool or the guy who's going to be there day and night to pass on important values, like not schtooping Mommy after the divorce?"

"Screwed up is her 'best case.' Bouncing between a philandering, workaholic dad and an embittered, sexually betrayed mom - that's going to lead to screwed up, squared."

"As much as I'd like to kill you by dangerously lowering your blood sugar, murder violates my parole."

Park: "Syph test was negative. Plus, the kid's never been sexually active."

House: "Yeah, I got that from the line on his chart that says 'birthday clown.'"

Foreman: "I'd like you to do it. I'll clear it with your parole officer. Now what do I need to do for you?" House: "Halve the clinic hours that you recently doubled, and double the hooker budget that you recently halved. I think you refer to it as 'petty cash.'"

Foreman: "You go to that fight, you go to prison."

House: "Well, that'd be redundant. I've got an angry black guy waiting for me to drop the soap right here."

Park: "This is how you plan to get to your boxing game?"

House: "Match, bout, fight, contest, day, Helena - almost anything works after 'boxing,' except the word 'game.'"

Taub: "Mom's a selfish jerk. She traded up. Married a lawyer. Wants to forget the lowly circus clown." House: "You're defending the father because you feel like a jerk for baking buns in two different ovens."

Park: "Do you only like tests that involve the risk of death?"

House: "There are some slower, less conclusive tests. But why take that risk?"

"Imaginary medicine is not my specialty. I do have an imaginary colleague, who's just sent me an imaginary page. Imagine how sorry I am."

"Following your heart is easy. Following your brain is tough. Especially after years of following that much smaller, third organ."

The Confession

[to Chase] "Beard's a nice touch. Lets everyone know that you're not a teenage girl."

House: "These abrasions on his knees - they're minty fresh, not ten hours old."
Adams: "He got them playing flag football."
House: "He said he got them playing flag football. I'm sure that's true if 'flag' is a euphemism for 'penis' and 'football' is a euphemism for 'entering vagina.'"

Park: "A pheochromocytoma. Excess adrenaline can cause heart problems and seizures."
House: "Boring!"
Park: "I'm sorry. I thought I was here to treat patients, not entertain you."
House: "Would it hurt to do both?"

Park: "Why are you stealing cable from here? We don't even have a TV in our office."
House: "I'm an ex-con, trying to adjust to a world that's passed me by. Stealing's all I know."

"And Old Team for the win! Not that I'm keeping score. It's more of a grid, where I assign numerical value to determine who gets raises, vacation time, and my respect."

"Aww, that is cute. I'm talking about your breasts. They always get perky when you're being painfully earnest. Truth. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? More truth: I only noticed because Chase was staring at them. He'd never admit it because he doesn't want to offend you, the same reason that he'd never tell you that he's thought about having sex with you. Although, to be fair, every man you've ever met has thought about having sex with you. They'll lie, because if you knew, you probably wouldn't want to have sex with them. And that's just some of the lies from the last minute. And here's a bigger one: you already know this, but you pretend you don't, because it makes you feel civilized. Most people find it easier to ignore the truth."

Taub: "Monkey DNA. Nice touch."
House: "Really? You don't think I should have gone with rat? I've been second-guessing myself all day."

Risky Business

"OMFG! 50 percent off cupcakes. How sick is the patient? Because this expires today."

"I am an equal opportunity exploiter. I only help those who can help myself."

"It's called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. The good news is it's treatable with medication. The bad news is it can make you very, very late for very important dates."

"Patriotism is nothing but loyalty to real estate. Real estate that's been conquered 800 times by 800 different regimes with 800 different cultures. But each time, it's just the best!"

"Your inner rage is a gift from not-God. Don't fight it."

"Do you really believe in this diagnosis? Because if this is just a pissing contest, you're at a severe anatomical disadvantage."

"This case boils down to he said/she said. He said, 'I've been working at this hospital for 15 years, and I'm taking self-improvement classes.' She said, 'I've been a fellow for 2 months, and I'm kind of weird.'"

"This means a lot to me. You may remember me from the time I saved your life."

Charity Case

"There's no way a do-gooder like you isn't volunteering all over town, ladling kittens, spaying soup."

PARK: "There's definitely something wrong with him."
HOUSE: "Which is awesome. Now there's something to cure, which means there's something for him to be disproportionately financially grateful for."

HOUSE: "Wow. I am an opportunistic ex-con who just gave you a two-minute sob story, as step three in my master plan, and you offered me a million dollars. Which is step seventeen."
BENJAMIN: "Is that bad?"
HOUSE: "Ethics are not my strong suit."

WILSON: "Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best."
HOUSE: "What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people."

"I doubt the guy would spend money on drugs when there are orphans out there without cable."

THIRTEEN: "You're going to read too much into this, aren't you?"
HOUSE: "No, not at all."
THIRTEEN: "We're going to fundamentally disagree about what it means to read too much into this, aren't we?"
HOUSE: "Yes, absolutely."

PARK: "I don't take charity."
HOUSE: "Good for you, you loon."

"Ah, Dr. Foreman. Perhaps you can help us. I can't decide whether to take out an 'I Told You So' ad in the New England Journal or stay classy and just spray paint it on your car."

"Either you're getting her gifts because you want her to like you, in which case I don't like you. Or you're getting her gifts to screw with her, in which case I will be teaching you my secret homie handshake."

BENJAMIN: "You made me sick."
HOUSE: "You were already sick - I just made you much, much worse."

Transplant

"Nice painting. Blues and greens. Calming with a hint of nurturing. Totally offsets the stench of suffering and death."

"I completely understand, an almost respect, your desire to appear to be Dean of Medicine, given that your title is Dean of Medicine. On the other hand . . . seriously?"

"PRISON! . . . Sorry, I thought I heard everyone else think that."

"You'll appreciate that I left the 'idiots' subtextual."

"I'd call you idiots, but at this point I'm starting to doubt whether you understand what I mean by the word."

"Kato! Get Black Beauty and meet me out front."

PARK: "We probably shouldn't be turning up unannounced like this. Their son just died."
HOUSE: "Bright side: they're probably up weeping."

"Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one."

"I thought the bracelet was decorative. My aunt had one just like it. Wait a minute . . ."

FOREMAN: "Why didn't you just tell me what you were doing?"
HOUSE: "I knew you were very busy being vaguely important."

HOUSE: "Running away from home is a time-honored tradition. But you're not doing it to flee your parents. You're doing it to protect them. That's an insult to everything teen prostitutes have worked for. Time to grow up and come clean."
PARK: "You're right. I should just drive my car into the living room and tell them."

PARK: "Did you use metaphors for your old team, or do you just think I'm particularly stupid?"
HOUSE: "No. They were stupid, too."

Twenty Vicodin

"Is that how our system works? Release the best actors? I shudder to think what that world would be like."

"Yeah, why would I want to make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?"

HOUSE: "You've really got a thing for swastikas ... Mendelson - like an ironic thing?"

MENDELSON: "It's a German name."

HOUSE: "So's 'House.' And I'm Jewish ... nah, I'm a black, gay gypsy."

"You know what's weirder? That the clinic is a large room, and you somehow confused me with it."

"You heard about my parole - but not about my violent reactions when people steal my tuna?"

"You're stepping to a guy who outweighs you by 50 pounds, and who's carrying a cane, which, while prison-approved, could still cause some issues when inserted into your colon?"

"That look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates. This is America."

"Another pet? This is gonna end badly, again. Remember when we talked about this? At least I talked, you stared at me, eerily. I think it was eerily. Eerily felt like a best-case scenario."

"Me and humanity, we got together too young,"

ADAMS: "People are complicated, and people change."

HOUSE: "Not that much to the first, and not at all to the second."

"This is where you say thank you. Or, I say thank you, for not killing me ... Thank you."