Help Me

• "That a pill in your pocket or are you just happy to have a tiny pill shaped penis?"

• "That much caffeine for a coffee virgin?"

• "Every time Cuddy leans over a patient, it's another opportunity for a downblouse nipslip."

• "Why would I want to consider something that doesn't benefit me?"

• "I'm not asking your name so we can become friends; I'm trying to gauge your mental state."
  

• "Now is probably the only time in your life when you can't possibly worry too much."

• "Like asking too many questions when your savior is trying to take a quick disco nap?"

• "I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth."

• "You have a life. And this...is just a leg."

Baggage

• "Therafy me."

• "I'm not stressed - beyond the stress induced by your telling me how stressed I am."

• "Given your usual rate of commitment, we're lucky you're not already re-divorced."

• "Her old friend, the fried carbohydrate."

• "You think she fell down the stairs and pissed her pants because Wilson dumped her too?"
  

• "Everyone wants their stuff. That's why it's their stuff."

• "I cared for eight seconds. Then I got ‘distracted.'"
  

• "Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?"

• "People who kick when you're down are jerks, but generally not irrational jerks."
  

• "For godsake, Wilson. You really span the chasm from wishy to washy."

• "Make a decision. If you're gonna be an ass. Stick with it."
  

• "Colluding about me is their favorite pastime."

• "People's brains stop working when they think they're losing someone they love."
  

• "If you're going to invest everything I haven't mentioned with unnatural significance, let's include drawstring pants and the Peloponnesian War."

The Choice

• "Kryopodia. Greek for 'duh.'"

• "You're compensating for your loss of professional conquests with sexual ones."
  

• "There's a better way to call off a wedding. A tweet, for example."

• "Doesn't mean you're gay just because the guy you're sleeping with is."
  

• "Sodomy - one of the top ten most common household accidents."

• "Taub asking me out was quirky. Thirteen doing it was a barking cat."
  

• "So what's masquerading as a stroke? Voted worst Halloween costume by the way."

• "If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?"
  

• "If he can't tell his fiance he's gay, how's he going to tell her he's pregnant?"

• "I think I sleep better in rocket ship sheets."
  

• "You still won't be pitching a tent for your lady but that's cause, you know, she's a lady."

Help Me

• "That a pill in your pocket or are you just happy to have a tiny pill shaped penis?"

• "That much caffeine for a coffee virgin?"

• "Every time Cuddy leans over a patient, it's another opportunity for a downblouse nipslip."

• "Why would I want to consider something that doesn't benefit me?"

• "I'm not asking your name so we can become friends; I'm trying to gauge your mental state."
  

• "Now is probably the only time in your life when you can't possibly worry too much."

• "Like asking too many questions when your savior is trying to take a quick disco nap?"

• "I think I'm the only one here who knows what a leg is worth."

• "You have a life. And this...is just a leg."

Baggage

• "Therafy me."

• "I'm not stressed - beyond the stress induced by your telling me how stressed I am."

• "Given your usual rate of commitment, we're lucky you're not already re-divorced."

• "Her old friend, the fried carbohydrate."

• "You think she fell down the stairs and pissed her pants because Wilson dumped her too?"
  

• "Everyone wants their stuff. That's why it's their stuff."

• "I cared for eight seconds. Then I got ‘distracted.'"
  

• "Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?"

• "People who kick when you're down are jerks, but generally not irrational jerks."
  

• "For godsake, Wilson. You really span the chasm from wishy to washy."

• "Make a decision. If you're gonna be an ass. Stick with it."
  

• "Colluding about me is their favorite pastime."

• "People's brains stop working when they think they're losing someone they love."
  

• "If you're going to invest everything I haven't mentioned with unnatural significance, let's include drawstring pants and the Peloponnesian War."

The Choice

• "Kryopodia. Greek for 'duh.'"

• "You're compensating for your loss of professional conquests with sexual ones."
  

• "There's a better way to call off a wedding. A tweet, for example."

• "Doesn't mean you're gay just because the guy you're sleeping with is."
  

• "Sodomy - one of the top ten most common household accidents."

• "Taub asking me out was quirky. Thirteen doing it was a barking cat."
  

• "So what's masquerading as a stroke? Voted worst Halloween costume by the way."

• "If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?"
  

• "If he can't tell his fiance he's gay, how's he going to tell her he's pregnant?"

• "I think I sleep better in rocket ship sheets."
  

• "You still won't be pitching a tent for your lady but that's cause, you know, she's a lady."

Open And Shut

• "He's just trying to get into your skirts. And I don't mean metaphorically."

• "Stop before you interest me to death."

• "Gotta see if our patient's a unicorn or just a slutty horse."
  

• "Must be interesting, growing up in a production of Oh Calcutta."

• "The world's your freaky oyster and you opt for another long-term relationship? That's just stupid."

• "You're the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila."

• "Think there's a chance the husband's a Plushie?"

Cuddy: "Do you read any of your departmental memos?"

• House: "Only the ones labeled NSFW."

• "He's wearing cologne, but not the stink of shame."

• "Pain, pain went away, came again another day."

• "What's with the lack of afterglow? Physio girl not as freaky as you hoped?"

• "Pretty awful. Which explains why it was named after a German."

• "Other than you still wanting to have sex with other dudes, and him having bankrupted your family, I think you kids are pretty much home free."

Knight Fail

• "Foreman, take Frodo and break bread with the hobbits."

• "Lord have MRSA."
  

Taub: "Not exactly sanitary."

• House: "Fun stuff never is."

• "It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle."
  

• "Because you poisoned him, your royal anus."

• "Is that the statutory period for soul sucking?"

Lockdown

• "You go back to sleep, everyone's a winner."

• "Heart disease is kind of below my pay grade."

• "I take maybe one in twenty cases. Dozens of the people I turn down end up dying."

• "It's a really good argument for there being more than one of me, isn't it?"

• "Let me guess? Lighthouse keeper?"

• "You think Odysseus would want to lie whimpering like a loser in a hospital bed?"

• "We're better off alone. We suffer alone, we die alone. Doesn't matter if you were a model husband or father of the year."

Black Hole

• "Buy some furniture or admit that you're empty inside."

• "So either you think smart women look out for each other, which means you're an idiot. Or you think Cuddy's not smart, which means -- well I guess it's the same either way."

• "When an American schoolgirl has two drinks by ten a.m. it's a pretty good bet the plan is to have a lot more, and it probably wasn't the first time she had that plan."

• "So, come up with a better plan or have a crash cart ready."

• "Not my fault, I was busy trying to judge Taub."

• "Texting doesn't prove you're faithful, it just proves you know she thinks you're unfaithful."

• "Can't force trust."

• "Inspiration point doesn't open 'til dark."

• "So, that's one imperfect theory plus a rare complication of a second theory gives us a complete explanation."

• "You got to the point where half your age plus seven just wasn't young enough anymore?"

• "At least he has the young and stupid excuse."

Private Lives

• "If you mean you're dating on meth, count me in."

• "What does she blog? Politics, dominatrix, cooking -- I want recipes."

• "And knowing too much about each other is exactly why people leave small towns and move to the city."

• "Connections are for airports. For people, we have over 300 cable channels."

• "Eenie, meenie, minie, Thirteen and Tiny."

• "Did you not go to college? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends."

• "You have some natural talent as a liar, but not enough brains to follow through."

• "The quiet ones are always deeply repressed."

• "Not my fault your mom was hot."

• "He's not a director; he's an artist. The way he plays with light and darkness and boobs."

• "Read chapter six - entitled shut the hell up."

• "That was pretty cool what I did, right? Wanna make out?"

• "Natural selection is not an infallible force."

• "Do you poop?"

• "Four thousand pages and not one word about BM's. And I bet yours don't smell at all."

• "We all need some secrets. As long as they don't kill us, they keep us safe and warm."

• "Can you write a book? So I can stop talking to you?"

5 To 9

• Cuddy: "What'll you do next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?"
  House: "Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens."

• "If you really wanted to make a deal you should have ditched the push-up and gone with the demi. Nothing makes a guy want to close like highbeams."

• "You ever noticed how many porn sites have 'mom' in the domain name?"

• Cuddy: "She's not massaging your leg."
  House: "She will...eventually."

• "Despite what you may have learned in Hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are...the harder they kick your ass."

• Cuddy: "You knew she was stealing meds?"
  House: "No, but have you seen the way she opens the mail?"

Moving The Chains

• "You don't think they grow 'em that big naturally?"

• "So our homeland should be unsafe because your private was unsafe?"

• "Back in my day, the real dodgers had the stones to run off to Canada or shoot themselves in the foot."

• "I can tell by your little puppy dog face that his pituitary's fine."

• "Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from. As long as it's one that makes sense and embarrasses someone."

• "As a former psychiatric patient, I take offense at that terminology."

• "Uncle Flo visiting?"

• "Stopping his heart speaks louder than words."

• "The neighborhood opossums don't need motive, only opportunity."

• "I want to learn more about one of my employees so I can manipulate him and destroy him if and when I choose. Information is power."

• "You want to tell me my real evil plan?"

• "You can't accuse me of the opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit."

• "And you obviously have a theory why demeaning isn't demeaning."

• "You got a girl pregnant. You're still just a guy."

• "That opossum was meant for me."

• "I gave you empirical proof I didn't prank you."

• "I don't master prank."

• "If we sleep, we're going to wake up next to severed horse heads. Or worse, the rest of it."

• "Maybe I should put this into an acronym you'll understand. This is FUBAR."

• "If only you could combine that medical chicanery with your brother's ability to fetch me mochas, you'd be the perfect Foreman."

• "Then the same crappy life the rest of the guys you're graduating with are going to lead, minus the student loans."

Remorse

• "Tell him to masturbate no more than three times daily. With meals."

• "It's because she's hot and her husband's ugly. That's a fascinating window into the mysteries of human psychology."

• "In the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson sees only one move ahead. I see dozens."

• "If you're sharing an amazed look, please do it louder."

• "So...how long you been a psychopath?"

• "Psychopathy can get a bad wrap."

• "You're her boss. In some vague, never to be usefully defined way."

• "The fact that you also fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic."

• "I'm not saying it's logical, I'm just saying it's human."

• "Man, one false accusation from a psychopath and you turn out to be a real bummer."

• "I'm gonna go see if Wilson has any liver left."

• "No, it's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away."

• "You had me at 'easier.'"

• "Which means you have years of manipulation and lying to look forward to."

The Down Low

• "Assuming you did this shaving your forehead."

• "Cameron get your hair in the divorce?"

• "We're two tigers away from an act in Vegas."

• "We're doctors all the time. It's so boring."

• "I hear you thought Wilson and I liked to polish each other's swords."

• "Seriously, you're invoking the Guy Code?"

• "In the land of No Fun, you own a very sensible piece of property."

• "Looks like somebody missed something. Which is embarrassing for somebody."

• "And I hate Evita. That's how much I like your boobs."

• "Mendacious dirt bag comes much more naturally to me."

Wilson

• "Why rule out the hand of God so fast?"

• "I look for zebras because other doctors have ruled out all the horses. You are those other doctors. You haven't earned a zebra."

• "Friends don't diagnose friends with cancer."

• "Your caring clouds your diagnosis. Just cut that out and you could be a decent doctor."

• "The fact that you can't speak English is not an excuse for you not being humiliated by what I'm about to say."

• "Obviously, you question one of those assumptions or you've got an issue with logic."

• "And two bedrooms. Just reeks of commitment issues."

• "It means I'm ignoring you to make a point. There is a difference."

• "Well played. Religion just killed another person."

• "Your mouth says no but your pathetic attempt at deflection has guilt written all over it."

• "Bad things happen to people who are sick."

• "All the pain pills I've taken? What if I need your liver later?"

• "Disappointment is anger for wimps."

• "You got mad. I'm proud of you."

Ignorance Is Bliss

• "Although I should be clear, for two bucks all you get is top half, over the clothes."

• "New me is static guarded and friction free."

• "Guy's a braniac and his secret drug of choice is booze? Kinda pedestrian, don't you think?"

• "Can't believe Lucas fell for my 'I'd never say this because it's so deeply personal except I'm drunk' profession of love. Second oldest trick in the book."

• "Sorry to inconvenience you. Dying patients can be so thoughtless."

• "Nice comeback. Very Oscar Wilde."

• "Internet special. Seventy bucks for all the nose job you want."

• "What's a conscience?"

• "All organs do look pretty much the same. Red and squishy."

• "Sixteen splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives with that."

Teamwork

• "Oh good, you paged the limpness specialist."

• "Pretty sure they don't make Hallmark cards for self-serving power grabs."

• "Your only obstacle to coming back is your wife. Which has never been much of an obstacle."

• "Don't take their word for it, job applicants lie as much as patients."

• "They don't because their lives are irrelevantly and annoyingly complicated."

• "Guess he finally told you he iced Idi Amin Jr."

• "Metaphorically speaking, you're a Heimlich addict."

• "So what did she say about why she's finishing your sentences instead of finishing her marriage?"

• "All four of them want to work for me. But all four have reasons why they don't want to work for me."

• "So his life of filth wasn't the problem. The clean living was."

• "Better to cheat with a beaker and an MRI than one of your platinum blonde plastic surgery patients."

• "You can celebrate their humanity. I'd rather solve those little puzzles and save their lives."

• "Your husband killed a patient. Now you're breaking up with me?"

• "Any idea where I can find a great big 'Mission Accomplished' banner?"

• "Got my sanity back, my license back and now..."

Known Unknowns

• "Foreman expects me to read an x-ray on this itty bitty screen. He should have emailed me a larger phone."

• "Who wants to go to the Pillow Fighting Championships? Rutgers has a great team this year. So glad their anchor didn't go pro."

• "Isn't it annoying when everybody in the room knows something you don't?"

• "Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low cut."

• "Your outbox is three times normal size. That wasn't a metaphor."

• "So now you either have to come up with a convincing lie or tell her the truth. Your choice."

• "I like to know how much boredom I'm missing."

• "Just when you think you've left Flock of Seagulls in the rearview mirror, suddenly it's up ahead like an undead hitchhiker."

• "She's not some floozy in a bar, she's the floozy I work for."

• "It's seven in the morning. Somebody better be dead."

• "We've moved on to a new phase. I tell Cuddy I've always been interested in her, she leaves the room."

• "The oncology department is subsidized by drug companies. They don't want it run by a murderer."

• "Studies show that ten dollar wine tastes better when you're told it cost ninety dollars. I'm sure the same is true of grape soda."

• "I can't convince her my entire personality's changed in a weekend. It would be like expecting you to not sacrifice yourself in a stupid and self-destructive way."

• "Words can hurt, you know."

• "That awkwardness would probably go away if I left."

• "Yeah, you should let her know I drugged you so you wouldn't confess to murder."

Brave Heart

• "The dice have no memory."

• "You want to take this case because he's yet another lonely, sad puppy? You should have been a vet."

• "He's only agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. And by the way, I also agree with you."

• "Did she tell you how to stop me?"

• "Now I've done it. There's urine everywhere."

• "Gosh, the great thing about the teacher student relationship is that the teacher can often learn more from the student. Have you learned anything yet?"

• "I did notice someone's daddy chromosome has been severely damaged by someone else's bleeding heart chromosome."

• "I'm sure there were plenty of lies that would have worked just as well. Except without the years of therapy."

• "I don't think there's anything I can screw up that we haven't already screwed up."

• "I guess the autopsy will have to wait a little bit."

• "Was the hospital serving puffer fish last night?"

• "Let's work from the tenuous assumption that we're not idiots."

• "What's really scary is I'm hearing whispering while not on Vicodin."

• "You are a woman, you can do anything."

• "You sure you're only one woman?"

• "When I come back I want three new ideas. One of them has to not be stupid."

Instant Karma

• "Right now I'm Kobe, playing the game I love, however the hell I want and Phil Jackson has to listen to everyone else bitch about it."

• "Don't usually see brain damage after a rectal biopsy."

• "I assumed you were lying because it would be idiotic to tell me the truth."

• "Since when has cancer been considered nothing?"

• "Continue to say nothing if you agree."

• "And if you're telling the truth, you're even more rational than, well, maybe not more, but then again, more sane. You're gonna be a good boss, Boss."

• "I'd be a lot more certain if it was my idea, but it's as good as we've got."

• "Just waiting for whatever is about to go wrong."

• "He loves power, I love puzzles."

• "I believe he believes him."

• "The billionaire thinks the gods will treat him better if he's broke."

• "Who said the world was supposed to work?"

• "He's irrational. So are most people. Unfortunately, doesn't make them sane."

• "People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get, and there's nothing any of us can do about it."

• "She's a smoking hot, newly single bisexual."

• "Cause I was born with a heart three sizes too small."

• "He still alive?"

• "I doubt we'll ever be treating any genocidal dictators again."

• "Better a murder than a misdiagnosis."

The Tyrant

• "Then it's perfectly justified to gaslight your friend who just graduated from crazy school."

• "Coping skill number one - total avoidance."

• "Booty call? Give me twenty minutes not to shower."

• "You're not actually saying I have too loud a cane?"

• "Only in the sense it has a rubber tip on the end, not a tap shoe."

• "You'll be able to sip Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto once you tell him what you've got on him."

• "Patient's dying, I'm done with clever."

• "If you believe in God, pray that this works. Also you might want to ask him why he blew off your arm."

• "There is a reason I hired you. You used to know what to do with a locked door."

Epic Fail

• "Like breaking up with a clingy girlfriend. Sure I'll miss the sex, but now I get to drink milk right out of the carton."

• "Right, doctors world over treat chronic pain with collections of Hummel figures."

• "Difference is, Beethoven's Fifth isn't going to be poop tomorrow."

• "Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I'm just failing."

• "Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case...no it's still for sissies."

• "I'm an addict. I turn everything up to an eleven."

• "I went crazy, not stupid."

• "Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown up."

• "Started thinking about what you said about me obsessing. Started obsessing about obsessing."

• "How like a man to think I enjoy slaving over a hot stove all day while you're off banging secretaries."

• "That's like adopting a puppy. Suddenly someone's whining, following me everywhere, chewing up my LPs..."

• "If you wanted a quickie, you should have called ahead. I'm a mess."

• "The only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it or, more interestingly, where I peed."

• "If the lab says this is Labrador too, please let me know right away. It'd explain my overwhelming desire to wipe my butt on your carpet."

Broken

• "Dry heaves are gone and so am I."

• "And he's black. You'd think you'd be a little more sensitive on the slavery issue."

• "I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy."

• "This is a popular new treatment? Blackmail?"

• "Is suicide taboo? Or is it just irrelevant?"

• "I want to deal with my problems some place where I can get a decent cappuccino."

• "Seriously, anorexia? Were you supposed to be a girl? And, in answer to your implicit question, yes those pants make you look fat."

• "So how upset were you when you woke up in the ER and you were still alive? And a failure?"

• "It's table tennis, not table volleyball. And with no net, it's table nothing."

• "Then we can assume the girl he's with is named Nooner."

• "You're my only friend. And I hate you."

• "How come every time you compliment me it sounds like an accusation?"

• "What exactly is the difference between pretending to cooperate and actually cooperating?"

• "Hi. It's like hello, only shorter."

• "I started to connect with one guy but then my propensity for screwing things up overtook me. And then my desire to have fun overcame my propensity."

• "Successes only last until someone screws them up. Failures are forever."

• "We're all pathetic. It's what makes everything interesting."