Both Sides Now

• "Just warning you; I'm in a good mood and largely pain free so I have no idea how things are going to..."

• "Where would junior high be without our ability to judge people on aesthetics?"

• "It's a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people."

• "Isn't that locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?"

• "Her lips say no, but her hormones say 'Oh my God, yes, more.'"

• "Outcome two is that she kills me. I think it's fifty-fifty right now."

• "That's the breakfast of relationships. Most important one of the day."

• "I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone."

• "Three wives. And as soon as you build them up to be well, as self-sufficient as they were ever gonna be, they drift out of your orbit. And you get sucked over to a planet with needier gravity."

• "Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer."

Under My Skin

• "The paperwork might be awkward. Primarily the stuff they make you fill out at the unemployment office."

• "Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"

• "I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make sense, unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain."

• "I think skinless women are hot."

• "The irrational part of my brain thinks like the rational part of yours."

• "Don't give me the cancer voice, the overly earnest tone... "

• "Worse? Double death?"

• "I've been popping pills for years; I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed."

• "I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things."

• "Time for a celebratory scotch...or three."

• "See, the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named Lation."

• "Right, I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true, but gonorrhea fits better."

• "I saw guilty in him. If he's not actually guilty, I wasn't right, I was lucky."

• "You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma."

• "Too bitter. I have plenty of bitter already."

House Divded

• "I need a scrip for sleeping pills. Neighbor's dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison."

• "Wedding's in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant, buy Chase's body isn't mature enough to produce sperm."

• "Of the two things I do well, bachelor parties rank towards the top."

• "But I read a book on it eleven years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover..."

• "It's like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want."

• "You're not on the guest list. A bachelor party is an ancient and sacred male rite of passage."

• "She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff."

• "So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before."

• "Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers."

• "Why would you remember that a stripper loved cats?"

• "Old Testament, right? Ball for an ear."

• "I'll blind him too, if he wants to experience that culture."

• "My patient is opting into a handicap. He's an insult to every other gimp out there."

• "I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?"

• "So I need to cancel the fart band?"

• "I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion."

• "Certainly explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening."

• "Use the other bathroom. It's in the kitchen, looks like a sink."

Saviors

• "Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper."

• "Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask if I'm okay."

• "It would if Cameron hadn't already CTed his head already. Empty as her boyfriend's calendar."

• "His history said the environmental kamikaze was single."

• "Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag."

• "Double threat: eco-freak and deadbeat dad."

• "Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means you know I'd find nothing. Or you know I'd find something, so you're hoping I'll assume the former and not bother to look."

• "Mortality is mortality."

• "A lot of STDs hang in the balance."

• "I'm losing my mind and all you've got to say is, 'Good?'"

• "He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it."

• "People only change after a trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or they've watched too many after-school specials."

Simple Explanation

• "Why's our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?"

• "I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last patient."

• "Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony's back."

• House: "I had no choice, personnel files are confidential."
  

• "I prefer the less subtle answer, 'You were right, House,'"

• "Draft Foreman, he can make calls through his tears."

• "You deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?"

• "Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking into your tea."

Both Sides Now

• "Just warning you; I'm in a good mood and largely pain free so I have no idea how things are going to..."

• "Where would junior high be without our ability to judge people on aesthetics?"

• "It's a universal daisy chain of peace and love that throws buns at people."

• "Isn't that locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?"

• "Her lips say no, but her hormones say 'Oh my God, yes, more.'"

• "Outcome two is that she kills me. I think it's fifty-fifty right now."

• "That's the breakfast of relationships. Most important one of the day."

• "I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone."

• "Three wives. And as soon as you build them up to be well, as self-sufficient as they were ever gonna be, they drift out of your orbit. And you get sucked over to a planet with needier gravity."

• "Because in Houseland, and the rest of the universe by the way, when a question presents itself, it calls for an answer."

Under My Skin

• "The paperwork might be awkward. Primarily the stuff they make you fill out at the unemployment office."

• "Regular radical, me radical or me out of my mind radical?"

• "I have no reason to feel guilty. It doesn't make sense, unless there's something wrong in the limbic area of my brain."

• "I think skinless women are hot."

• "The irrational part of my brain thinks like the rational part of yours."

• "Don't give me the cancer voice, the overly earnest tone... "

• "Worse? Double death?"

• "I've been popping pills for years; I've only been seeing things for days. Something changed."

• "I can feel myself repressing all kinds of icky things."

• "Time for a celebratory scotch...or three."

• "See, the problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named Lation."

• "Right, I'm being cynical. People can care because they care, not because they cheated. Theoretically true, but gonorrhea fits better."

• "I saw guilty in him. If he's not actually guilty, I wasn't right, I was lucky."

• "You know what would calm the nausea? Vicodin. Marijuana. A coma."

• "Too bitter. I have plenty of bitter already."

House Divded

• "I need a scrip for sleeping pills. Neighbor's dog has been keeping me awake, and is strangely invulnerable to poison."

• "Wedding's in two weeks? I'd say you were pregnant, buy Chase's body isn't mature enough to produce sperm."

• "Of the two things I do well, bachelor parties rank towards the top."

• "But I read a book on it eleven years ago. Fierce, sexy Sherpa on the cover..."

• "It's like the zoo. Except you can bang on the glass as much as you want."

• "You're not on the guest list. A bachelor party is an ancient and sacred male rite of passage."

• "She's the one that got me hooked in with Madoff."

• "So, and I see no logical way around this, if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before."

• "Why go back to that well? In the nine years since Wilson's party, a whole new generation of hot girls have been abused by their stepfathers."

• "Why would you remember that a stripper loved cats?"

• "Old Testament, right? Ball for an ear."

• "I'll blind him too, if he wants to experience that culture."

• "My patient is opting into a handicap. He's an insult to every other gimp out there."

• "I gave that idiot an implant to prove to him what an idiot he's been. How is that nice?"

• "So I need to cancel the fart band?"

• "I value your opinion. I value rejecting your opinion."

• "Certainly explains my lack of eyebrows by the end of the evening."

• "Use the other bathroom. It's in the kitchen, looks like a sink."

Saviors

• "Since when do you pass on the swine? And wheat toast? Might as well eat a sheet of sandpaper."

• "Five functions, including a stopwatch to time how long it takes you to ask if I'm okay."

• "It would if Cameron hadn't already CTed his head already. Empty as her boyfriend's calendar."

• "His history said the environmental kamikaze was single."

• "Meet Mrs. Environmental Nutbag."

• "Double threat: eco-freak and deadbeat dad."

• "Inviting me to search your kitchen. Means you know I'd find nothing. Or you know I'd find something, so you're hoping I'll assume the former and not bother to look."

• "Mortality is mortality."

• "A lot of STDs hang in the balance."

• "I'm losing my mind and all you've got to say is, 'Good?'"

• "He loves a tree in Oregon more than he loves you. But he can't have sex with it."

• "People only change after a trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or they've watched too many after-school specials."

Simple Explanation

• "Why's our rainbow coalition missing brown and bi?"

• "I thought maybe Kutner was home nursing the rib you broke when you elbowed your way in for credit on the last patient."

• "Mourning period's over. Foreman's sense of irony's back."

• House: "I had no choice, personnel files are confidential."
  

• "I prefer the less subtle answer, 'You were right, House,'"

• "Draft Foreman, he can make calls through his tears."

• "You deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?"

• "Or you sprinkled too much wishful thinking into your tea."

Locked In

• "Hey Genius, I think it violates certain ethical laws to rip the organs out of a guy who's still alive. Certain law laws too."

• "Can't bring Mohammed to Princeton, bring Princeton to Mohammed. Meet my diagnostics posse - hot, dark and darker."

• "His doctor's busy teaching him how to blink out 'kill me' in Morse code."

• "Apparently I underestimated your hubris. Don't worry, people do that to me all the time."

• "Found you a late Victorian corset. I'll come by later and we can tie you up."

• "How dare you use my logic against me?"

• "You live ten miles from Mary's Dress Shop. That's one of the ten reasons I think you may be a transvestite."

• "Amazing. A man with only two words at his disposal can still lie."

• "If he did, he would have hung a Mission Accomplished banner in my outer office."

• "Fact that he stole your idea means he cares. That's all I needed to know."

• "You underestimate the entertainment value of your obsessions."

Here Kitty

• "The Democrats and their socialized medicine. I'm only allowed to waste useless tests on sick people."

• "From now on, I'll use two markers. Only the green one will indicate irony."

• "Have you tried to pee on yourself in public? Not easy."

• "What are you worried about? You just get sued for the cost of treatment, maybe spend a night in jail for larceny. I have to tell one of my employees he was right."

• "Cats make terrible doctors. Oh wait, I'm thinking of women. You're screwed."

• "If you're here to kill me and rape me, please do it in that order."

• "Of course I've heard of your cat. For a second, I was worried you were crazy."

• "Can you come back later? I have some business I'm conducting with the prince of Nigeria."

• "She's faking. The cat told me."

• "But nutjobs get sick, too. Or Michael Jackson would still be a living human being."

• "Anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice."

• "Why didn't we listen to Ted Nugent? He tried to warn us, damn it."

• "I know Goodbye Kitty is not going to predict anyone's death."

• "When you don't die tonight, you'll have finally done something good for the world as opposed to your life as a...fireman."

• "If only there was a 'lawsuit cat' who could warn you."

• "It's not so much about caring, per se. More about me wondering why you're a credulous idiot."

• "You think she's faking some stuff and not other stuff? Maybe she's an 'Unchausen?'"

• "Weaklings and cowards generally make lousy employees."

• "You'll note how Faster Pussycat Kill has snuggled up to Coma Guy."

• "I do not believe in the Oracat of Delphi."

• "Love to hear more of your theory, but I don't give a crap."

• "The fish played so compellingly by Don Knotts?"

• "You mean the theory about Cuddy's ass getting bigger at the full moon? I confirmed that one. Photos on my blog."

The Social Contract

• "So the tumor's not in the cool neighborhood. Cool neighborhood adjacent."

• "You're forty years old and you're the administrator of a hospital. People don't get personal with you, except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around. But this guy can only tell the truth. He prefers your body to that of a smokin' young hottie."

• "It's amazing the way people cling to insults. Or what they think are insults."

• "I'm not suggesting that like our patient, you are hiding a dark sarcastic core beneath a candy shell of compulsive niceness..."

• "Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice."

• "Why do you think the world will end in chaos and destruction if you're not there to save it?"

• "Cyrano de Berkowitz, let it go..."

• "Relax, your nose isn't big, it's just conspicuous."

• "If you were really a racquetball player, you probably would have noticed you're holding a squash racquet."

• "Never trust a dog."

• "What does that make you, a quadruple agent?"

• "Once you've got a name it's amazing how much you can learn on the phone. Well, if you are a doctor and lie freely."

• "I'm fully capable of lying to you. I've lied plenty of times."

• "My standards of fun are not the norm."

• "You developed your own people-pleasing skills the way an Olympic athlete develops his muscles."

• "My patient had brain damage. I don't have that excuse."

• "It's kind of fun watching you torture yourself."

The Softer Side

• "Our new patient. Part girl, part boy, ALL Thirteen's dream date."

• "Way to multi-task. Impress the boss and humiliate the ex."

• "Who needs med school when you have WiFi?"

• "Completely unfazed? You think I'm totally lacking in any fazing? The idea that I'm anything less than half-fazed I actually find offensive and greatly fazes me."

• "Without the Hoff, it ain't Knight Rider."

• "I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?"

• "I'm fine other than the fact that my nurple is now purple."

• "Back off. Only Thirteen gets to grab my nipples this time."

• "Unless the next stanza reads, 'Hoping to fry my brain to death/I smoked some primo crystal meth,' I'm not interested."

• "Okay I admit it. I have bulimia. But I look good, don't I?"

• "Stupid product. Heroin without the high."

• "I'm not breathing, but that's strictly voluntary."

• "What I put in my body is my business. I don't give you grief over your vegetables."

• "Surprisingly, hookers are cheaper. And don't sue for sexual harassment."

• "Patient dead or do I need to do anything?"

• "You gave birth to a freak of nature, doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one."

• "This is the only me you get."

Unfaithful

• "Wow, wish I could but I've already put down a deposit on sixteen crates of Jell-o."

• "Religious hokum or sponge bath. Can I get back to you?"

• "Let me put it in terms you might better understand. If you don't split, you must quit."

• "You are a wuss - part wimp, part puss."

• "World's most boring case just became a page turner and you want to tear out the last chapter?"

• "Must be my lucky day. New symptom means old symptom was a real symptom and I get to keep our pederast priest after all."

• "So the good news is he didn't have a heart attack. Bad new is, I apparently fired the only guy who actually knew what a heart attack looks like."

• "So the man of God who doesn't believe in God had a heart attack that wasn't a heart attack. Do I know how to pick awesome case or what?"

• "And you don't want to work so just go buy me a lotto ticket. The sicker he gets, the luckier I feel."

• "She's trying to play me. If I let her succeed, then the terrorists win."

• "So, other than it can't see, it's a perfectly good eye."

• "I want to walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit."

• "Hey, I was just talking about you. Well, not about you specifically, about whores and hypocrisy."

• "Why do people suddenly find religion when they have kids? They don't believe it, but why do they want their kids to?"

• "So the fact that it makes no sense makes sense?"

• "Father Nietzsche has AIDS."

• "I'm incapable of acting like a human being."

• "Religion is not the opiate of the masses, religion is the placebo of the masses."

• "The fact that I was wrong is NOT a proof of God."

The Greater Good

• "Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?"

• "Just practicing for my clown college audition."

• "Get a piece of her lung and stick it under a black light. If it glows, the sick children who need her souffle can breathe easier."

• "I'm happy for you. Love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me...but I do have a birthday coming up."

• "Oh thank you, Rationalization Man, you've saved the village."

• "You don't need your coat to treat a tumor."

• "By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them."

• "Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss."

• "Ebony and Ivory are joined at the hip."

• "You broke the rules, your girlfriend went blind. When you gamble, you have to consider losing as one of the possibilities."

• "So you did it because you love her. But ironically, you never took her into consideration. I can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary."

• "Ah, the irony. Maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early."

• "I thought I'd never see you again, little little Greg. You heard me right."

• "Yesterday you hate me, today you're crying on my shoulder. I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your Aunt Flow telling me that..."

• "Yes ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever. But frankly, not by all that much."

• "In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a DVD of Beaches."

• "You really had no choice. On account of being an idiot."

• "It's a locker room, how else are they gonna learn?"

Big Baby

• "You exercise your newfound power, I squirm under your thumb, resent the student becoming the teacher, then push comes to shove and we all realize what our real roles should be. And then you put out."

• "It's not an opinion, it's a smoke screen. Throw out a lame idea rather than agree with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that would confirm that he's boldly gone where no man has gone before."

• "So now you're agreeing? Either you broke up, or you folded because I gave you crap, or you actually agree."

• "Must be somebody's job to keep me from being reckless and irresponsible."

• "And just because I call him nobody doesn't make me a racist."

• "I need oral sex. It makes medical sense."

• "Figured if I asked for something really crazy she'd shoot me down, get the 'I can control House' thing out of her perky little system so the next time I went to her with something only marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable and she'd say 'Yes.'"

• "Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?"

• "People don't die from peeing."

• "Please tell her that talking will ruin the test."

• "I never said her freaky personality's a symptom."

• "The brain's like the internet. Packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaque in her brain from MS is like a bad server. Cuts off the flow."

• "We could settle this with rock, paper, scissors. But unfortunately, there are people who adjudicate these disputes."

• "I'm the last person you'd ever come to for ethical advice, which means you've already asked every other person. No one's given you the answer you want."

• "Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?"

• "Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient, on the other hand, is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually, that idiot'll probably forgive you."

• "Can't give you the proof you want because it's trapped in her head, and the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out. Which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this or I do nothing."

• "I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on her way to being dead."

• "If this doesn't work, her spleen is all yours. Unless I kill her, of course."

• "My old boss. And by 'old' I don't mean 'former.'"

• "Our patient loves all things annoying."

• "She's the Earth mother, takes in the rejects and freaks of humanity and tells them they're AOK. What was different?"

• "If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed."

Painless

• "Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli's cutting into your beauty sleep."

• "Proving that you're a better mom than a homeless drug addict."

• House: "And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on..."

• "This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors."

• "Gotta let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple."

• "No rush. Already bathed once this week, wouldn't want to look elitist."

• "Yeah, because I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull ups before I greet the day."

• "Scent of a man. I realize you've never experienced it sober."

• "You want a man to put his finger there, gonna have to marry him first."

• "He's had multiple EEGs. All cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples."

• "Foreteen's right."

• "Come on, you're from one of the twelve tribes, you must know a ton of shysters."

• "Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy, how come they didn't trigger a placebo effect?"

• "His idiot son distracted the orderlies so daddy deathwish could down a bottle of isopropyl."

• House: "Yes, I find it confusing to assume otherwise."

• "And if I really wanted to torture the patient, I'd manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you."

• "I think you got her in it because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex."

Joy To The World

• "Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?"

• "It's almost like you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say...Taub?"

• "And depending where this school falls on the Heathers scale..."

• "When have teachers ever known how to motivate their students?"

• "Why don't you hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? And by the way, that ending really made no sense at all."

• "Have you checked the prices for fireman strippers recently?"

• "If I wanted gifts, I'd just look deeply into my patients' eyes and act like you. 'I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I make up for in...'"

• "I'm physically incapable of being polite."

• "Oh, I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong, and then I'll be nice to all my patients this whole holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge."

• "You're right. I'm a jerk."

• "You know that from an anal swab? Man, you're good."

• "I hate spunk."

• "If you can't be nice, why bother being a doctor?"

• "You keep showing up. You also keep leaving. It's possible you have the hots for me but really, really hate this kid. It's also remotely possible I have that reversed."

• "No, you weren't a loser in high school. Every Tom, Dick and Hershel was wet dreaming about you."

• "You got any patients who aren't idiots?"

• "Either you're telling the truth or you're playing chicken. Or you're really, really dumb. Either way's pretty interesting."

Let Them Eat Cake

• "No point, I'm in an elevator. Can't run away."

• "Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in when you pass child bearing age."

• "Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?"

• "Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused."

• "Can someone please stop back seat differentialating?"

• "My balls. Have you seen my balls? The giant one and the red one."

• "Everyone in this room knows exactly how this will play out. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable so I'll stop trying to make you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery."

• "I'm doing my famous impression of Socrates. Think I really nailed the accent."

• "Knew your ass was huge, didn't know it was also toxic."

• "For evil to succeed, all it takes is for good men to do nothing."

• "Is that fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away?"

• "If her brain's slowly turning into Swiss cheese, not a whole lot we can do."

• "You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me because you have the hots for me."

• "Why are you dressed like that? Why are you trying so hard to get my attention?"

• "Sick people, who are sick enough to make it to me, don't spontaneously get better. Not as pithy, but yes, technically more accurate."

• "I'd give you an IV of the stuff, but the frosting tends to get stuck in the little tube."

• "Most people don't have the guts to admit they'd rather be pretty than healthy. Income's better and you get more action."

• "He should check his pants. I think we might have an anal hygiene violation."

Last Resort

• "That's a bathroom you're barricading. Might come in handy, especially since you've cleverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage."

• "You really think reenacting Dog Day Afternoon is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting several hours in an uncomfortable chair, but you should watch the movie all the way through."

• "Me, I rarely kidnap people unless I've got a serious health problem."

• "Right, you just brush your teeth with coffee grounds."

• "She might be armed. Maybe you should have her deliver it shirtless."

• "First rule of triage - guys with guns go first."

• "This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."

• "Wow, I would have laid money you had herpes."

• "If your life's no more important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."

• "Damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants."

• "The humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too many fingers and tubes up your holes? You hate doctors, want to take back control. If so, let me apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat."

• "I'm trying to decide which is riskier, taking crazy risks or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk taker."

Emancipation

• "Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America. Makes up for the telemarketing work we're losing."

• "You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome and almost killed her in the process."

• "Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful."

• "Yesterday you were all BFF, today you think she's pathological."

• "Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or literal bell."

• "I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."

• "Just because we call something poison doesn't mean it's bad for you."

• "You didn't flinch when you found out a sixteen-year old who should have her whole life ahead of her doesn't. Means you're here about someone even younger dying even faster."

• "Pot calling the kettle a pot?"

• "Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."

• "Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational or stupid."

• "Emotional is immediate. If she went to the rational first, then there was no emotional to process."

• "You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because what? You broke their Faberge egg?"

The Itch

• "Anyone can hate humanity after being shot. It takes a big man to hate them beforehand."

• "There's a reason we evolved the feeling of awkwardness. It tells us not to talk about things."

• "Any time you want to stop kissing, I'm there for you."

• "What else can I do? I'm gonna ignore her for the rest of my life."

• "Yes, the large things in her bra."

• "Yeah, I fiendishly hid it within the phrase 'I hit that.'"

• "Pain changes things."

• "And if the Crazy Fairy were here, she could grant them."

• "You're nuts. Which makes me nuts for arguing with you."

• "Whatever you're scared of out there, aren't you more scared of death?"

• "That's weird. I usually don't get the stigmata until Easter."

• "Please. Get a girlfriend or a life or something. For me."

• "He's a lawyer, not an idiot."

• "Hey, want to see if your client is actually made of money?"

• "He likes to reenact the battle of Ypres three times a week, with real gas."

Joy

• "What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."

• "I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor."

• "They've explained the return policy, right? It's worse than video games."

• "It's good news. The great news is she insists there's no way she's gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she shouldn't be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind. The only question is when."

• "Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."

• "Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you. All of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."

• "There's no unconditional love, only unconditional need. Don't make a child a victim of your biological clock."

• "Wow, can you remove spleens with your mind, too?"

• "Judgments are never made in a vacuum."

• "Everybody's happy until they unwrap the pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa."

• "What we thought was either weirdness or maturity in the kid was just blandness."

• "Just because you can't feel pleasure doesn't mean you don't want it."

• "Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you're at the sweating blood stage."

• "But hey, there's more than one baby in the sea. World's full of teenage boys riding bareback."

Lucky Thirteen

• "What about me speeding away says to you, 'Let's chat?'"

• "Oh my goodness, I played a practical joke on my best friend and he's badly injured. If only I'd learned this valuable lesson earlier."

• "Aww, yeah. Penthouse forum meets medical mystery. Maybe there is a god."

• "Empty, transient sex? I've been waiting for you to spin out of control ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for."

• "Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks. Unless he's a she and she was there last night too, in which case I care deeply."

• "Thirteen, go stick a needle in your girlfriend's pelvis. And no, that one's not a metaphor. Suck out some marrow. That one was."

• "Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me, especially if you feel like kissing or groping or showering or..."

• "I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots."

• "You're just upset that the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing diagnostic skills."

• "People interest me. Conversations don't."

• "Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like...just about anything."

• "Eight units in this building. Gotta be a pervert like me living in at least one of 'em."

• "Haven't sat on this couch in four months. It still remembers my cheeks."

• "He's an idiot with a messiah complex, savior to all who need saving. It's why his first wife had a wooden leg, it's why his second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved."

• "Does the word fired have a whole other definition that I'm not aware of?"

• "You had no choice. Where do you go after fake hooker girlfriend?"

• "Oh my god, you invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero."

• "It was either this or put on Brian's Song, but I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's."

• "It's like you and men. Just because you usually don't doesn't mean you can't."

• "Another life saved by girl on girl action."

• "Best nipples in Princeton."

Birthmarks

• "I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow."

• "Those Chinese surgeons make beautiful stitches with those tiny little hands."

• "Eulogy, derived from the Greek for 'good word.' Now if she'd asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to."

• "Make it fast, I don't want to miss the anal cavity search."

• "I'm a doctor. When someone tries to call you three times, it's code for pick up the damn phone before someone dies."

• "It was a boring convention. I needed somebody to drink with."

• "Forget Louisiana. The man was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly donuts here?"

• "All the neighbors were doing it. Keeping up with the Chenses."

• "Let her vomit through the MRI, that's what nurses are for."

• "Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby."

• "Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. But I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by sticking a magnet up Buddha's butt."

• "Are you kidding? She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents, but she's got documentation."

Adverse Events

• "You don't like her shoes, you like her legs."

• "Not talking fever here. Is she all curvy and perky?"

• "Most idiots don't have that much ambition."

• "But three unproven, untested drugs. It's like the Mod Squad. No one can stop them."

• "Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision."

• "World's-sorest-knees-isil. Cuddy used to have that title by the way."

• "I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end."

• "That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down."

• "On the other hand, figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the Photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper type either."

Not Cancer

• "A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind is actually good news."

• "Which means we have to remove your whole head. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."

• "What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?"

• "Tell Foreman to get it, old people are scared of black people."

• "There's the problem. He only had half a brain."

• "Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for ‘screws around.'"

• "Okay, it is a long shot, but it's possible I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."

• "You're taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust?"

• "Do you have a different rate plan for being a pain in the ass?"

• "You're a math teacher. I deduced you used to be a blind math teacher."

• "She's not your type. Your type's much stupider than her."

Dying Changes Everything

• "He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf."

• "I dated her. Well, didn't really date her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis."

• "Either she cracked under the whip, or she realized her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not castrate them."

• "My patient's still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday's sluts are today's empowered women, today's sluts are celebrities. If that isn't progress."

• "You can't hide from misery."

• "I respect things that earn respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape."

• "Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don't sweat it, it's new."

• "She dumped me after I lost those last eighty-five pounds. Said there was less of me to love."

• "Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head."

• "I like you better now that you're dying."